I have nothing against improving the world. Being the cynic that I am, I would still never disparage a genuine act of altruism. I do, however, take great issue with someone being a clueless numbskull as they do it.
I’ve seen an increasingly skewed perception of what it is to be a humanitarian in my travels. The line between Right and Wrong has blurred progressively, and we’re left with a broad, scattered conception of what it is to be “good”. Now, a logical adult couldn’t claim to know the exact cause of this transgression, but that doesn’t stop be from being unreasonably confident that I’ve pinned it down.
There’s a group called The Foundation for a Better Life, and I’m not sure exactly what it is they sell other than the warm-fuzzy’s. Their mission is to spread positive values by suggesting doing nice things for people in return for NO MONEY WHATSOEVER. Crazy, right? Their website is even called Values.com, which let me tell you, is a frightful mess wrapped up in flash adobe clusterfuck. These guys have gone all out cornering the market on virtue, thanks mostly to an endless barrage of regrettably stupid adverts each one more preachy than the next. Only one, however stands above the rest.
Open to a hard-fought high school basketball game. The whole season is on the line for both sides. Rebound! The Bears push it down the court for a quick lay-up (I saw the scoreboard, that basket definitely evened them up at 65-65). Only seconds remaining and…oh no! The red team turns it over on the inbound, Bears are going to get the ball back! They’re just one point away from realizing a dream!
Coach calls a timeout to formulate the perfect play. You can almost feel the electricity! But wait, somethings not right with Alex over there, who suddenly blurts out “I touched it. I touched the ball before it went out, coach”. Coach is, for lack of a better word, crestfallen. “You gotta be kidding me, Alex”, “It’s the championship game!” they cried, but it was too late. “I touched it, it’s their ball” Alex insisted, gazing at coach quite preachingly. With a look of defeat, coach breaks huddle and whimpers “just don’t foul them on the inbounds”. Just as there seems to be no point to anything anymore, coach yells out “Hey Alex…good job”. Cue music.
Hey Alex…good job.
Real commercial, I promise.
Alex is a well meaning albeit wildly misguided teen, sure. By now he has consumed so much values.com kool-aid he cant see straight any more, nor does he realize the severe beating waiting for him in the locker room. He essentially forfeited the entire season because of his compulsion to do right whenever, wherever. This is not being a good person, it’s being an asshole teammate. The pursuit of playing gallant hero is taken only by Alex, when there are four other guys who don’t give a shit about values and are here to win! High school titles are a rare and fleeting opportunity, and a dream held by these athletes since their first NERF hoop. They even try to reason with the shmuck in the huddle! “Alex, it’s the championship game! Don’t do this! I may have a scholarship riding on this shit! See Pooky over there? He’s gonna get laid if we win, and just look at him! It’s his only shot! Alex, please!” or something to that effect. However, he was unmoved by their pleas, and pressed on, flipping them all off with both hands just out of frame.
I also cant help but notice, after watching the replay frame-by-frame upwards of 20 times, I honestly don’t think this basket case Alex even touched the ball. I honestly think it was just beyond his fingertips. This sociopath is so out of control he fabricated the whole incident! It would not be surprised at all if Alex were to break his own nose in the locker room to save his teammates the fuss of getting his blood all over their jerseys.
Then there’s coach, poor ole coach. Just imagine what winning the state title would have done for him. He’d be a local hero, eat for free at the Applebee’s downtown whenever he wanted, and even completely renew his faith and love for the game! Maybe a college gig would come calling, where he could develop future talents and definitely never, ever recruit Alex.
Rather, he’ll only have been so close; get stuck at this dead end job in this dead end high school, and be stuck with Alex’s ass for another two years (Alex is a sophomore. That’s a detail that was left open and I had to fill it in).
A lot of heartache. A lot of shattered lives and broken promises left in Alex’s wake. Could have been avoided, too. If only morality and compassion weren’t subject to branding for the sake of capital. So lets try this, don’t screw up important basketball games or any other athletic competitions thereof. Keep it simple. Change a light bulb for a short person. Don’t know any short people? Then pick up dropped items for your tall friends. I just gave you two ideas that will be very helpful while not alienating any teammates. There’s nothing to it! Go clean some oily pelicans, or even just drive like a civil person. While you’re at it, drive an old person to the store. They often don’t have cars and the ones that do are awful drivers. Awful, awful drivers. Cue music.
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